3 ways counselling can save your relationship (+ tips you can use right now)
Relationship counselling is an effective and evidence-based way of addressing challenges in your relationship. When done with a qualified therapist, it can lead to a happier and more supportive relationship. This post walks through three ways that counselling can save your relationship. Let’s start with how relationship counselling helps reduce and change the way you experience conflict - a natural part of any relationship.
1. Relationship Counselling Reduces Conflict (hint: it's about changing the way you have conflict)
Every relationship has conflict. You will never agree on everything and that is okay!
What you can do is change the ways in which you have conflict and find ways to heal from conflict after it happens. Instead of feeling further apart from your partner after conflict, you can learn to reconnect and come back to each other.
When we get stuck in the same patterns of hurt, it can be hard to see how to move forward. By noticing patterns in your conflict, the emotions you are feeling, and the triggers that bring out big reactions, you can feel more in control of conflict and start to shift it. Taking an inventory of how you experience conflict is a useful place to start.
What you can do right now
Questions to consider:
What is the story I am telling myself before, during, and after conflict?
Prompts: What are you saying about yourself? What are you saying about your relationship?
How do I feel before, during, and after conflict?
Prompts: What are you noticing in your body? If you’re unsure of the exact emotion, review the list of emotions in the next section.
Are there things that my partner says or does that trigger me?
Prompts: How do you notice these triggers? Think about emotional and physical reactions. What is the meaning you make around these triggers about yourself and about your relationship?
Have there been times when conflict is resolved?
Prompts: What was helpful in these times? How did you reconnect with your partner?
Relationship counselling dives deeper into these questions and with the support of your therapist you will have opportunities to explore new ways of communicating with your partner.
2. Relationship Counselling Builds Communication Skills
When things get heated, it can be difficult to identify the exact emotions you (and your partner) are feeling.
This is because the emotion you notice yourself reacting with is often different than the one you initially felt.
Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) explains this using the terms of ‘primary’ and ‘secondary’ emotions.
Primary emotions: these are the direct emotional responses to the present situation. Examples: feeling fear in response to a threat and sadness when there is a loss.
Secondary emotions: these are reactive responses to the primary emotion that allow you to cope with the primary responses. They may be responses you use to protect yourself and make you feel safer in difficult situations. These responses usually hide the initial primary response. Examples: anger may hide primary emotions of fear or hurt, and frustration or hostility may cover up shame.
Relationship counselling helps you to slow things down and uncover your primary emotions, this can be difficult to do on your own. When you and your partner are able to identify and share these emotions with each other, you can reconnect much more quickly.
What you can do right now
Start to notice your emotions using the list:
Anger / rage
Joy / elation
Sadness / despair
Fear / anxiety
Shame / disgust
Surprise / curiosity
Questions to consider:
When do you feel these emotions?
Is there anything surprising / unexpected that comes up when you start to notice these emotions?
What would it be like to share these feelings with your partner?
3. Relationship Counselling Increases Intimacy
It can be hard to talk about sex, especially if you and your partner are struggling to connect sexually.
Relationship counselling is a place where you can get non-judgemental and sex-positve support navigating these conversations.
Research has shown that context has a significant impact on sexual desire. Context doesn’t just mean your physical setting (though that can be one piece); it also includes your mental/physical wellbeing, your relationship and how you feel about it, external stress (kids, work, family etc.), and other life circumstances. In therapy we explore these contexts, paying particular attention to your relationship and how emotional connection may be impacting intimacy.
What you can do right now
Questions to consider:
What are contexts that make sex great? What are contexts that make sex not so great?
Prompts: think about your mental/physical wellbeing (mood, body image, worry about sexual functioning etc.), relationship characteristics (trust, power dynamics, emotional connection, feeling desired, frequency of sex), setting (home, work vacation), other life circumstances (stress, anniversaries, occasions)
Relationship counselling is an effective way to improve your relationship, it helps couples slow things down and get to the root of their difficulties. You may be here because you are feeling stuck and unsure of how to move forward in your relationship. You are not alone. Couples therapy is a place where you can find hope and uncover the best next step for you and your partner.
About the author
Katherine Martin (she/her) is a registered social worker and psychotherapist who specializes in couples and relationship counselling. She offers in-person therapy in Toronto and virtual services across Ontario, including Bolton, Barrie, Etobicoke, Mississauga, Newmarket, Scarborough, and Windsor. Learn more about her practice here.
References
Johnson, S. M. 2020. The practice of emotionally focused couple therapy: Creating connection. Taylor & Francis.
Nagoski, Emily. 2015. Come as You Are. New York, NY: Simon & Schuster.