How does couples therapy work? (+ how to get started)
1. What is couples therapy?
As a couples and relationship therapist, I often get questions about starting couples therapy. I hope that the answers below will help to provide you with some guidance as you embark in the therapy process.
2. Why start couples therapy?
There are a number of reasons why you might start couples therapy:
You might be feeling stuck in the same patterns and cycles of conflict
You might be looking for some support around sex and intimacy
There might be a big life transition that you're looking for support with
You might be hoping to improve your relationship
Couples therapy can be a supportive and useful place for couples in crisis, but you don't have to be in crisis to start therapy. Engaging in therapy at any stage in your relationship can help you to improve communication and foster a deeper connection with your partner.
3. What does couples therapy feel like?
The people I work with often share that starting couples therapy can feel scary.
Feeling nervous about starting a new process is normal and couples therapy may feel a little uncomfortable at first. You are coming into a space where you are being asked to be vulnerable with your partner and well with a therapist. In my experience with couples, it does get easier, and it is in that vulnerability that you will find a deeper connection. Couples therapy can support you in expressing vulnerability and learning how to share in ways that improve your relationship.
4. Who goes to couples therapy?
What is the difference between couples therapy, relationship therapy and marriage counselling?
There are a lot of different names for couples therapy! You might have heard of
Couples therapy
Couples counseling
Relationship therapy
Marriage counseling
With so many different names you may be wondering, where do I fit in? From my perspective they are all the same thing as they each focus on relationships.
Couples therapy is for people who
Might be newly dating or starting to explore a new relationship
Are further along in their relationship and living together
Are married
Although I use couples therapy as an umbrella term for all relationship work, I recognize that there are lots of different types of relationships and work with partners who are open and poly.
I welcome couples and individuals of diverse backgrounds and identities, including (but not limited to) lesbian, gay, bisexual, trans, non-binary, queer, and 2-Spirit (LGBTQ2S) couples, partners, and individuals.
I welcome couples and individuals of diverse backgrounds and identities, including (but not limited to) lesbian, gay, bisexual, trans, non-binary, queer, and 2-Spirit (LGBTQ2S) couples, partners, and individuals.
I have a particular interest in working with cross-cultural relationships. As a therapist, I bring my own positionality to relationship work. I am a white bisexual cis-woman in a cross-cultural and interracial relationship, and I bring lived experience to my work with LGBTQ2S and cross-cultural relationships.
I think couples therapy may be helpful, what next?
The next step is to do a consultation. You will see that most therapists offer a free consultation, so you can meet them beforehand. This is important because the evidence demonstrates that a key indicator of success and improvement in therapy is the therapeutic alliance, which is the relationship you have with your therapist. Consultations are an opportunity to make sure that you connect with and that your goals align with the therapist that you meet.
5. How does couples therapy work?
After we meet for a consultation and decide to start our work together, we will schedule your first session. At this point, the process generally follows this pattern:
In the first session, I meet with all partners and we will talk about your hopes and your goals for therapy
After the first session, I meet with you individually and in these individual sessions we talk about the impact of your past on your current relationship and the ways in which you understand conflict and comfort
After the individual sessions, we will come back together and the remainder of our sessions will then be focused on the goals that you've set, on noticing and improving cycles of conflict, and supporting you in feeling more connected in your relationship
Are you going to take sides?
As a couple and relationship therapist, your relationship is my client and the focus of all my work is supporting your relationship. This includes validating and affirming both of your perspectives and supporting the development and improvement of your relationship.
How long does couples therapy usually take?
There's been research in emotionally focused couples therapy (EFT) that has shown that therapy has been effective and improved relationships in 8 to 20 sessions.
The length of therapy depends on your goals and needs. Throughout therapy this is something that we will have ongoing conversations about and we will determine a length that feels best for you.
6. What are the benefits and risks of therapy?
While couples therapy can be incredibly beneficial, it is not without its risks. One of the main risks is that it can be emotionally difficult. In our sessions we often explore emotions that are challenging. This can feel uncomfortable and exhausting. I invite partners to consider rituals they can return to in between sessions, reminders of connection and fondness. Examples of these can be:
schedule 10 - 60 minutes after the session to do something you enjoy together (go out for a meal, grab a coffee, take a walk)
using a shared notebook (or shared note on your phone) write down the things you appreciate about your partner throughout the week
make time to debrief the session and be intentional about including positive things you learnt about your partner and how they experience your relationship
What if therapy can’t solve my relationship issue?
Therapy may not be able to solve every relationship issue. If we start our work together and it feels like I may not be able to provide the support you need, I will refer you to someone who may be more appropriate (for example: medical professionals, mental health and substance use treatment, and individual therapy).
What if therapy leads to the end of my relationship?
Your relationship is my client and I will do my best to support it and help it thrive.
Buy-in from both partners in the relationship is crucial for the success of therapy. The fact that you are engaged in couples therapy demonstrates a desire to improve or repair your relationship. However, sometimes partners who are in therapy may come to the decision to end their relationship. If this is the case, I will invite partners to have open and honest conversations about the next steps for their relationship.
Couples therapy can be a valuable tool for improving relationships and resolving conflicts. It can help you improve communication, deepen your understanding of each other, and lead to deeper connection in your relationship.